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Cassie

Everyone deals with grief differently. Losing a loved one can leave an empty space or it can completely change your life's course. When my now Husband and I lost our first son, it didn't change the course of my life. I knew I still wanted to have more children. I knew I still wanted to marry my husband. I knew I still wanted a house by the lake with a back porch. My path I hoped for myself was unchanged. What did change however, showed with every pregnancy. I was terrified. I had 4 more successful pregnancies after our first son, Austyn Wayne Cole. Every time, I was robbed of the enjoyment. I was so afraid we would end up losing another baby. After the absolute horror I went through with our first, I just couldn't enjoy anything about the pregnancy. I didn't want to get attached. I didn't trust the doctors because I should have been on an OB floor with a fetal monitor. I just didn't want to go home again to a half set up nursery that will never have a baby in it. The fear took over every time. I had Austyn 3 days after my appendix had burst. Both of us miraculously pulled through the emergency surgery. I wasn't on an OB floor after surgery, although I was 23 wks pregnant. I was on heavy medications. When I woke up with pain overpowering my pain meds, it was too late. I was too far along in my labor to stop it. I had Austyn at 4:43 Am on January 7th, 2004, and he passed away at 5:30 AM. I held him for a little bit, then we had to say goodbye. That was one of the darkest times in my life and I am still grieving. There is no timeline on grief. No one grieves the same way and it's a very personal experience. Do not let anyone tell you how long to grieve. Give yourself some grace and take a break. Reach out to someone if needed. You will find some kind of normalcy again. God bless!