I Know My Patterns—But I Still Can't Stop
I keep a list. Not a to-do list, not goals—just a running inventory of the ways I mess up my own life. It started as a way to get better, but now it’s just a record of every time I slip.
I know exactly when I’m about to do something self-destructive. I can feel it coming, like a headache before a storm. I’ll have a fight with my mom, or get another email about a missed assignment, and suddenly I’m lighting a cigarette or scrolling through old texts I promised myself I’d delete.
I write down the reasons, like I’m supposed to. Stress, loneliness, wanting to feel something. I know the consequences too—shame, guilt, waking up at 3AM with my heart racing. I can name every trigger, every excuse. I’ve read all the advice about changing my thoughts, but in the moment, it’s like my brain wants the punishment.
Sometimes I wonder if tracking it all just makes it worse. Like I’m collecting proof that I’ll never actually change. People say it’s about patience, about progress, but most days it just feels like I’m watching myself drown in slow motion.
#Education #AcademicBurnout #SelfSabotage
